I have reached that point in pregnancy where everyone either cleverly exclaims “Almost ready to pop!” or they ask “Are you excited?!” While the former conjures terrifying images I’d rather not imagine (seriously, what sort of sadist coined this phrase? Has any pregnant woman actually appreciated the “humor”?), I confessed to my husband today that ultimately, it’s the latter question I find the most disconcerting.
When I got engaged, and people asked if I was excited, I assumed they were asking “Are you excited about the wedding?” For most of us, the answer is an easy “Yes!” Who isn’t excited about a full day of getting pretty and partying with friends and loved ones at a celebration honoring you and your new husband/wife? The question “Are you excited to be getting married?” is decidedly more strange and difficult to answer. I was looking forward to marrying the man I love. And I am looking forward to sharing my life with him, but excited about it? Fortunately, no one ever asked.
The question “Are you excited?” is so much more difficult to answer at this life milestone because of the nature of the big event. When people ask if I’m excited, I have to keep myself from asking “Which part is it about which you think I ought to be excited?” Is it the hours of increasingly worsening waves of pain? Is it the grand finale where a large head rips it’s way out of my comparatively small, sensitive nether region? Is it the weeks and weeks of sleepless nights and exhausting days that will follow? Are you asking if I’m excited about the rest of my life? Because that’s a pretty tall order.
This is not to say that I’m not really looking forward to meeting my son. My loved ones and I have spent hours speculating about what he’ll look like. I’ve spent weeks getting his room ready, washing his tiny clothes, picking out his coming home outfit, and running around getting us and the house prepared for his arrival. Late at night when I can’t sleep I’ll gently set a hand on my stomach and smile when he reacts, as he unvaryingly does.
“Excited” however, seems such an odd word to describe this experience. People get excited about vacations, excited about graduations, excited about parties, and holidays, and visits from friends. “Excitement” seems limited to the anticipation of momentary fun. I hope with all my heart and soul that parenting will not be a temporary experience for me, and I have no illusions about the enjoyment of this experience. Yes, I anticipate that parenting will be extremely wonderful at times. Introducing my child to the world, and being a part of this new, young family, will be incredible, eye opening, and life changing, but there will be times when it severely sucks. Will the wonder out weight the suckage? I have high hopes!
My husband says that when people ask this, what they are really asking is “Are you as excited as we are?” In his typical, sweet fashion Ben manages to make my anxiety seem not only superfluous but rather self-absorbed by suggesting that the only sentiment behind this questions is love and enthusiasm for us and our child (not the accusatory, all-good-parents-feel-this-way, sort of question I pegged it for. Just kidding). He suggests that I listen to the message behind the question, and simply lie, “Yes, I am extremely excited.”
If this is what the questions are about, then perhaps it wouldn’t be so much of a lie. The question “Are you looking forward to crafting a lifetime of beautiful experiences with your growing family, as much as we are looking forward to sharing those experiences with you?” is one that I can answer without a moments hesitation. When I look down the road and imagine all the family dinners, Christmas Eves, road trips, late night talks, weddings, birthdays, love and laughter that we will share with our friends and families for years to come, I do feel a spark of excitement. A lifetime of moments of fun and of love.