A few months ago I was spending a quiet afternoon typing things like “recipe lembas” and “bat boy sightings” (I mean, whatever happened to that guy?) into google, when suddenly, up pops this article about a man who was arrested for possessing a toad which authorities suspect he intended to lick.
So naturally, I ditched my searches on elven waybread and the whereabouts of that notorious nocturnal celebrity to focus on the whats, hows and whys of my google discovery. One page led to another and before I knew it, I was taking a magnificently disgusting tour through the murky world of stupor-inducing drug alternatives for the desperate and the thrifty. And of course, what’s the good of doing all that clicking and reading if I don’t share it with others?
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just go out there, lick any old toad you come across, and expect to see Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Only the Bufo Alvarius, otherwise known as the Colorado River toad, which lives in the southwestern United States, has the right stuff. But even if you do happen to come across one of these guys during your Louis L’amour tour next summer vacation, don’t give in to your temptation to lick the milky slime oozing out of its neck glands. Not only is this profoundly disgusting it’s also incredibly dangerous. Colorado River toads produce two kinds of toxins which are both secreted through neck glands when the animal gets scared, as we all do when we find ourselves picked up by giants, or suddenly lodged in the mouth of monstrous dogs. Let’s refer to these two toxins as Bill and Ted. Bill is the “happy” toxin that makes this guy so popular at places like raves and burning man. Ted, however, is the toxin found in all toads that makes them taste bad and occasionally lethally poison curious canines. The amount of Ted in the Colorado River toad may not be enough to kill you, but it could lead to a not so excellent adventure to the hospital. There are some “safe” ways to enjoy toad goo without accidentally poisoning yourself but I’m not going to post them here. Honestly, if anyone is reading this and thinking “Mmmm, slimy, toad secretions! Sign me up!” you’re on your own, man.
But let me tell you, toad slime seems positively elegant compared to my next drug discovery: Jenkum. I’m not going to delve deep into this topic because, um…I don’t want to. If you REALLY want to learn more, there’s plenty on the internet.
In short, jenkum is the gas created by fermenting human waste. Generally it is captured using a balloon placed over a soda bottle full of sewage that is set out in a warm place for a few days. When the gas from the balloon is huffed, it is supposed to initially knock the person out, and then create a calm euphoric feeling that could last hours or even days. In 2007 a county in Florida was warned by the police department that jenkum had become a popular drug at a local high school. Later, there was a news report that claimed jenkum has caught on with teens nationwide and was now a “drug of choice,” sending millions of parents into a disgusted panic. Breath was smelled every night, rooms were checked for bottles of murky liquid, and the internet abounded with pictures of teenagers drinking yoohoo, until somebody realized that most American kids hadn’t even heard of jenkum and those that had reacted not so much with a “Really? Sounds like it’s time to ‘clean the toilet’ if you know what I mean” as a “I think I’ll go throw up now” kind of attitude.
So, think what you want about American teenagers, but remember that to them, the idea of free hallucinogens is not so enticing that they are willing to huff their own poop. Based on my experiences as a teenager, I’d say that if there are friends around with camera phones, it’s unlikely anybody will be licking any toad slime either.
If that’s not a comforting thought, I don’t know what is.