Wonderful World of Web Research on Dust Bunny Haven

Truly Desperate

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 20:18:43 -0800

A few months ago I was spending a quiet afternoon typing things like “recipe lembas” and “bat boy sightings” (I mean, whatever happened to that guy?) into google, when suddenly, up pops this article about a man who was arrested for possessing a toad which authorities suspect he intended to lick.

So naturally, I ditched my searches on elven waybread and the whereabouts of that notorious nocturnal celebrity to focus on the whats, hows and whys of my google discovery. One page led to another and before I knew it, I was taking a magnificently disgusting tour through the murky world of stupor-inducing drug alternatives for the desperate and the thrifty. And of course, what’s the good of doing all that clicking and reading if I don’t share it with others?

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just go out there, lick any old toad you come across, and expect to see Lucy in the sky with diamonds. Only the Bufo Alvarius, otherwise known as the Colorado River toad, which lives in the southwestern United States, has the right stuff. But even if you do happen to come across one of these guys during your Louis L’amour tour next summer vacation, don’t give in to your temptation to lick the milky slime oozing out of its neck glands. Not only is this profoundly disgusting it’s also incredibly dangerous. Colorado River toads produce two kinds of toxins which are both secreted through neck glands when the animal gets scared, as we all do when we find ourselves picked up by giants, or suddenly lodged in the mouth of monstrous dogs. Let’s refer to these two toxins as Bill and Ted. Bill is the “happy” toxin that makes this guy so popular at places like raves and burning man. Ted, however, is the toxin found in all toads that makes them taste bad and occasionally lethally poison curious canines. The amount of Ted in the Colorado River toad may not be enough to kill you, but it could lead to a not so excellent adventure to the hospital. There are some “safe” ways to enjoy toad goo without accidentally poisoning yourself but I’m not going to post them here. Honestly, if anyone is reading this and thinking “Mmmm, slimy, toad secretions! Sign me up!” you’re on your own, man.

But let me tell you, toad slime seems positively elegant compared to my next drug discovery: Jenkum. I’m not going to delve deep into this topic because, um…I don’t want to. If you REALLY want to learn more, there’s plenty on the internet.

In short, jenkum is the gas created by fermenting human waste. Generally it is captured using a balloon placed over a soda bottle full of sewage that is set out in a warm place for a few days. When the gas from the balloon is huffed, it is supposed to initially knock the person out, and then create a calm euphoric feeling that could last hours or even days. In 2007 a county in Florida was warned by the police department that jenkum had become a popular drug at a local high school. Later, there was a news report that claimed jenkum has caught on with teens nationwide and was now a “drug of choice,” sending millions of parents into a disgusted panic. Breath was smelled every night, rooms were checked for bottles of murky liquid, and the internet abounded with pictures of teenagers drinking yoohoo, until somebody realized that most American kids hadn’t even heard of jenkum and those that had reacted not so much with a “Really? Sounds like it’s time to ‘clean the toilet’ if you know what I mean” as a “I think I’ll go throw up now” kind of attitude.

So, think what you want about American teenagers, but remember that to them, the idea of free hallucinogens is not so enticing that they are willing to huff their own poop. Based on my experiences as a teenager, I’d say that if there are friends around with camera phones, it’s unlikely anybody will be licking any toad slime either.

If that’s not a comforting thought, I don’t know what is.

Braaaiiins

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 20:18:04 -0800

If there was an oscar category for “most popular horror movies monster”, these guys would probably win. If they aren’t starring in a legitimately terrifying film like 28 days later (which, for MONTHS had me too scared to even take out the trash after dark) they’re playing the antagonist in some mock horror movie or disgusting video game. They’re zombies and what many people don’t realize is that unlike many other monsters, zombies actually exist.

In April of 2005 the “BBC” released an article about a new strain of malaria discovered in a small town in Cambodia. The really interesting qualities of this strain was that it not only had a 100% mortality rate, but it also had the disturbing ability to restart the victims heart a couple of hours after death. Because of the brain damage resulting from their hour or two of not breathing, the undead were reported to be extremely violent.

This is not an example of real life zombies, it’s an April fools joke. I just came across it while researching and thought it was funny. Real zombies are created, and primarily exist, in Haiti. And amazingly enough, information about them can be both esoteric and sort of boring. So I’ll try to stick to the cool stuff.

There is quite a lot of evidence to suggest that there are people in Haiti that can, and do make and keep zombie slaves. In fact, in 1835 the Haitian Penal Code added an article that “classifies the administration of a substance that creates a prolonged period of lethargy without causing death as attempted murder. If the substance causes the appearance of death and results in the burial of the victim, the act is classified as murder.” (http://science.howstuffworks.com/zombie.htm) in attempt to end zombification. Notice this appearance of death. Zombies are not actually the undead, but rather living people who have been given a certain mix of chemicals that slow down the heartbeat and breathing of the victim to the point that it’s almost undetectable. Haitian village doctors don’t have a lot of fancy scientific tools to detect life, so the victim is quickly declared dead and because the humidity of Haiti causes rapid decomposition, burial takes place very shortly after. It’s believed that the victim is completely conscious though all of this. A little while later the victim is dug up and given another kind of poison that ends the paralysis but places them under the control of the poisoner, usually a houngan (voodoo priest). Of course, this is only if it’s done right. There is no “granny’s old-fashioned zombie brew” written on a recipe card somewhere and even if a houngan has a vague idea of how to do it exact measurements are never used. Because of this many powders either don’t do anything or cause immediate death.

What many researchers don’t understand is why anyone wants to create zombie slaves in a country so impoverished that labor costs next to nothing. According to Wade Davis, who spent years researching zombification in Haiti, making zombies is most often done as revenge against an enemy or used as a means of political control. He also says it’s the Haitian culture and government that makes the powder work the way it does. The main ingredient in the zombie mix is a psycho-active drug taken from the puffer fish. Davis believes that this psycho-active drug will affect people the way they believe it will affect them, and the people of Haiti believe that it will put them under the control of the people who gave it to them. Many people hate this theory, but I think it makes sense. Why wouldn’t a psycho-active drug, which affects your mind, do to your mind what your mind thought it was going to do to it? But what is especially awesome about this theory, is that OUR culture has no history of believing this drug will enslave us. Which might mean that we can finally breath easy, take those boards off our windows and doors, put away the hand grenades and bask in the relief of knowing that we will never have to worry about becoming a part of any sort of undead army.

But just in case you’d like to try your hand at commanding an army of your own:

Granny’s Old-fashioned Zombie Brew (a variation from http://rexlcamino.blogspot.com/2006/10/how-to-build-your-own-bona-fide-real.html)

1 puffer fish
1 marine toad
1 hyla tree frog
sprinkle of human remains (optional)
handful of Zombie cucumber’s (otherwise known as jimson weed)
dash of salt

Mix the first four ingredients into a fine powder. No one on the internet seems very clear on how to do this so I’d just consult your local witch doctor for suggestions. Next have some fun and get creative as you try to figure out how to sneak your zombie powder into your victim’s (or victims’) food, beverage, community water source, etc.. Don’t forget that this is poison! It’s not a good idea to just dump the stuff willy nilly. Remember the teachings of the Buddha “between extremes the balanced path is established” and now please forget that I used the teachings of Buddha as an example for how to correctly poison people.

Ok, so assuming you’ve done this correctly, your victim has now been buried alive. What are you waiting for? Go dig them up before they suffocate and all your hard work is wasted! Not to mention that expensive puffer fish poison that maxed out your credit card and the black market tree frog you had to pick up down that dark alley in the sketchy part of town. Understandably your new slave is going to be a little out of it and, well, dull, don’t let it get you down. They’ll perk up after you give them their Zombie cucumbers. The cucumbers will also ensure that they remain your unquestionable slave for as long as you want to have them around. When you’ve finally grown tired of your zombie, or when your “undead army” has successfully managed to take over the world and you are now emperor of Earth, how about showing your appreciation and cooking them a nice, big meal topped lots of gourmet sea salt. Not only will the salt end their servitude and allow them to remember who they are, but once they fully awaken and see the wonderful meal you prepared just for them, they might be less likely to want to break every bone in your body.

Still, you might want to consider entering the witness protection program to avoid retaliation. Or next thing you know, you could find yourself being dug up and force fed unsalted cucumber. And everyone knows unsalted cucumbers are the worst.

It's what's for dinner

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:17:11 -0800

We citizens of Europe and North America gladly indulge in the eating of all kinds of foods considered taboo in many other parts of the world. While for us Lobster is a gourmet dish, in other countries it is understandably avoided as a dirty garbage eating creature not meant for consumption. Pork chops are eaten regularly in our culture when in others it is forbidden as being dangerous and regarded (correctly) as extremely unhealthy. What we have fail to notice, besides the fact that pork is a really bad thing to eat, is that Europeans and Americans are missing out on one of the longest and most sensible food traditions of the world: Entomophagy, the eating of bugs.

According to National Geographics, humans have been eating bugs since we first came to be. It is believed we learned it from watching animals. Even after civilization developed bugs remained a regular part of everyone’s diet. Aristotle, when not crafting esoteric lecture notes for future generations to puzzle over, wrote advice on how and when to collect cicadas for eating. According to him it was best to get them right after they reached the nymph phase, when the males are the tastiest (after mating, the females are more desirable as they are then filled with eggs). The Bible describes all sorts of bug-eating situations, the most famous being the story of John the Baptist and his steady diet of locust and honey. Even in the new world bugs were a staple food. The Paiute Indians hunted and burned Mormon Crickets by the thousands in order to pound them into flour for bread according to www.nationalgeographics.com.

In the western world these days, eating bugs has become taboo, but we’re the minority in this regard. Over 50% of the population of the planet still regularly cooks and enjoys such dishes as termites in cornmeal, ant egg burritos, dragon flies simmered in coconut milk, and fly larvae in sweet soy sauce. And slowly but surely, this tradition is seeping into the United States.

Experts like Manfred Kroger suspect that bug eating became unpopular in the west when agriculture began. As insects ate the crops, farmers began seeing them as pests that needed to be killed rather than as a plentiful food source. When Europeans arrived in the new world, they brought their bug prejudices with them and eating bugs is now seen as disgusting and dirty in our culture. However, bugs are not actually any dirtier than many other foods we eat already including crab, shrimp and lobster and the benefits of eating bugs are incredible. In fact, using bugs as a protein source is not only better for us, it is far better for the environment than raising livestock, a practice responsible for about 18% of the greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. According to the article Eating Bugs at www.time.com, bug ranching requires less water than raising cattle, pork, or poultry. Bugs are cold-blooded so they waste no energy in keeping their temperatures up, unlike our current warm-blooded sources of protein. Water bugs contain four times as much iron as beef. Bugs offer slightly more protein per pound than livestock and a LOT less fat. Plus, unlike pork, the fat insects do have is much healthier and easier to digest. These facts have not escaped the notice of the United Nations which recently held a convention on Entomophagy.

Before you chuck that hamburger you’re eating out the window, dash outside and start stuffing live cockroaches and earthworms into your mouth, let me tell you that most websites recommend both washing and cooking your bugs before you ingest them, and discourage collecting them from the street. Not only do we have a tendency to dump poison an anything that crawls on six legs, but many bugs have parasites. It’s best to either raise bugs yourself, or buy them from a reliable market. For advice about bug vendors I suggest you visit this awesome website created especially for bug-eaters of the San Francisco Bay Area! www.planetscott.com/babes.

And just because I want to help you all get started on your crunchy journey into a new world of flavors, I’ve crafted a complete dinner menu for you to try some night when you’re feeling adventurous:

Appetizer:

Garlic Butter Fried Grasshoppers 1/4 cup butter
6 cloves garlic, crushed
1 cup cleaned insects (wings and legs removed)

Melt butter in fry pan. Reduce heat. Sauté garlic in butter for 5 minutes. Add insects. Continue sautéing for 10 - 15
minutes, stirring occasionally. From Orkin

(http://www.faculty.de.gcsu.edu/~cbader/ghprecwithinsects.htmlAppetizer)

Main Course:

Ant Brood TacosBroodAnt Brood Tacos

2 tablespoons butter or peanut oil
1/2 pound ant larvae and pupae
3 serrano chilies, raw, finely chopped
1 tomato, finely chopped
Pepper, to taste
Cumin, to taste
Oregano, to taste
1 handful cilantro, chopped
Taco shells, to serve

Heat the butter or oil in a frying pan and fry the larvae or pupae. Add the chopped onions, chilies, and tomato, and season with salt. Sprinkle with ground pepper, cumin, and oregano, to taste. Serve in tacos and garnish with cilantro. (Not living in an area exceptionally prolific with ants, I have never been able to try this recipe. But it sounds perfectly delicious! I found it in ‘Creepy Crawly Cuisine’, an excellent recipe book.)

(http://eatbug.com/recipes.htm)

Dessert:

Chocolate Mealworm Chip Cookies

2 1/4 c Flour
1 ts Vanilla
1 ts Baking Soda
2 Eggs
1 ts Salt
1 Bag Chocolate chips
1 c Butter; softened
1 c Chopped Walnuts; (optional)
3/4 c Sugar
1/2 c Dry-roasted mealworms
3/4 c Brown Sugar

To prepare dry-roasted mealworms, first drop them in boiling water for one minute. Next, drain them on a paper towel. Finally, bake mealworms at 200 degrees for one to two hours, depending on the size. When cooked, mealworms can easily be crushed with a spoon. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. In a small bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt; set aside. In a large bowl, combine butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla. Beat until creamy. Beat in eggs. Gradually add flour mixture and insects, mixing well. Stir in chocolate chips and nuts (optional). Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for eight to ten minutes. Recipe Source: Home & Garden TV – Home Grown Cooking - Episode 139 Formatted for MasterCook by Nancy Berry - cwbj78a@prodigy.com Converted by MM_Buster v2.0l.
(http://www.bigoven.com/147429-Chocolate-Mealworm-Chip-Cookies-recipe.html)

For those of you freaking out and making gagging noises, let me remind you that although we don’t intentionally eat bugs, we actually eat a lot of them. And no, I’m not talking about the spiders you supposedly eat in your sleep. The FDA laws are not so strict that bugs and bug parts don’t still make their way into our food in startlingly large numbers. We eat insect waste, eggs and fragments, mites, larvae, worms, aphids and many others regularly. We eat them in canned corn, frozen and fresh vegetables and fruits, wheat flour, hops, herbs, peanut butter, and chocolate just to name a few. So maybe it’s time we all stop living in denial, except the inevitable, and enjoy the six-legged bounty of the earth! Gnat burger anyone? Caterpillar pie?

Important information

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 20:16:34 -0800

The Jivaro Indians of the Amazon are best known for their practice of shrinking the severed heads of their enemies to about the size of an orange. They believed that a shrunken head would capture the soul of their enemy thus making the head-taker more powerful. Due to cultural restriction, making shrunken heads was a rare practice until the 1850’s when the western world came across these tribes and this strange ritual. Once news of the heads got to Europe and North America, everyone and their mother wanted one. Suddenly, the Jivaro tribes had themselves a monopoly in a booming shrunken head trade. As demand for these creepy things increased the Jivaro began trading heads for guns to make their work easier and faster. That’s right, the western world is probably responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people who did nothing wrong except have a head that could be shrunken and sold to some guy who wanted to display it in his parlor or library. At some point this got to be a little too much for the government in Ecuador and the head trade was prohibited. Because demand for heads was still considerable other people took up the trade in hopes of cashing in. Heads were illegally stolen out of morgues or skillfully crafted out of leather and sold as genuine Jivaro shrunken heads.

I know what you’re all thinking now “Oh no! What if my shrunken head is a counterfeit?!” Never fear! After long, careful research and meticulous study I found, five minutes ago in a google search, a nifty list of ways to tell whether your shrunken head is the real thing ( www.head-hunter.com):

“In order to identify genuine shrunken heads, careful inspection is required. The following illustrates the most common characteristics of how to distinguish between authentic Jivaro shrunken heads and counterfeit shrunken human heads.

The head is less thoroughly shrunk and tends to exude a certain amount of oil\
The lips show no sign of perforation which results from the “chonta-wood” pins used by the Shuar during the preparation, as well as the lips are sewn with light threads instead of a heavy cotton string\
The top of the head is not pierced for the suspending cord\
The facial hair has not been singed off, or the skin polished ( G. E S. Turner. Counterfeit Tsantsa in the Pitt Rivers Museum Man: A Record of Anthropological Science 1944 p.57 )”

So I wish you the best in your inspection of your shrunken head and hope that this bit of trivia made your day a little more interesting, thought-provoking, and nauseating, as it did mine.