When did this whole “write your own vows” thing start, anyway? This is a 1960’s thing, right? Begun back in the days of free love and anarchy, when everyone was writing poetry about the colors of their lovers’ auras? But more important than when is why. As in, why am I reading these stupid magazines that are brainwashing me into thinking this is something I ought to do? Lately, while walking to the grocery store, or riding on the bus, I find myself worrying about whether the fact that I don’t want to write my own vows means I don’t love Ben as much as those other brides love their fiances. I know it doesn’t. But those magazines are devious. I can’t even figure out what’s in it for them. It’s not like they’re advertising creative writing classes or something.
The idea of self-written vows makes me shudder. Probably because it always conjures up images of me standing in front of a huge audience, holding this wrinkled little index card and, in a monotone voice, reading “Ben, I love you more than anything. I will never…(crinkle, crinkle)…get tired of, uh…looking into your eyes. You complete me. the end”. Ok, I could probably do better than that. But I don’t think I could do better than the vows that already exist. These are the vows that have been said for decades. Said by my grandparents and maybe even their parents (not my own, however. They were married in the early 70’s). How arrogant would I have to be to think I could improve them?
If I were to write my own vows, they would never be the sort of vows you could say at a ceremony without people thinking you’re being disrespectful:
Ben, I promise to only lie to you when it’s obvious that I’m doing so. I vow to only try to stick things up your nose when you are awake and capable of stopping me. I promise I will call you “butthead” only when I’m trying to make you laugh and never when I actually think you’re acting like one. I will never force you to wear a creepy mesh tanktop in public, however funny I think it might be. When you barf, I vow to take care of you, instead of run from the room screaming. I promise that if the lyrics allow, I will replace “You” with “Ben” in all the songs I sing whenever you’re around. I solemnly swear I will never, ever post naked pictures of you on the internet.
If we had decided to elope, I might have considered writing my own vows. But I think in the end, I probably still would have tacked on the traditionals. Love, Honor, Cherish, it’s really best to cover all the bases. After all, Ben’s bound to notice I didn’t mention anything about sticking stuff TO his nose…