It’s late and I should be sleeping because if I don’t, I’ll sleep through half the day tomorrow, which I hate to do. But still I’m here writing this because I know that if I wait until tomorrow, I probably won’t write it at all. Already I can think of a million reasons not to, so I’ll have to write fast!
Tonight Ben and I went to see Get Smart. Which was a pretty ok movie. But this has nothing to do with why I’m writing so let’s move on. After the movie we decided to catch a cab home because MUNI is a bummer at that hour. About halfway to our house Sarah McLaughlin’s Angel started playing on the car radio. This song has always annoyed me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty and it’s fun to sing, but let’s face it, it’s the poster song of the self-pitying. But this time of year I’m always a little more emotional and weepy, so I decided to listen to the song instead of rolling my eyes and tuning it out.
So it began “Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for the break that will make it ok. Always some reason to feel not good enough” and suddenly, like a brick to the face I realized “HEAVEN ALMIGHTY! This song is about ME!!!”. Now, before you smack me on the forehead with the label “Queen of the self-indulgently sad” let me explain that this wasn’t a tearful cry for attention. No, this was a rebuke. “Lela, you spend all your time WAITING, for that second chance, for the break that will make it ‘OK’. There’s ALWAYS some reason to feel not good enough, so stop being such a whiny little wuss and do what you’ve always known you were supposed to be doing”. It’s not that my mind has never said things like this in the past, it’s just that it’s never managed to project it’s voice into a car stereo before. Also it’s never been quite so articulate.
So now I’m making a confession, and asking a favor. I’m a talented singer with crippling stage fright, and the sad fact is that I probably won’t force myself to perform in public unless I make this fact known to people who might be up to the task of encouraging me (on a regular basis or not) to sing. How about it, anyone? Many of you who read this are good friends of mine, and many of you already know that I used to consider myself first and foremost a musician and this is why I’m asking for your help on this. I’ve never made a request like this before because previously it always seemed like cheating to overcome my stage fright in any way other than silent self-reproach paired with unsympathetic force. But my voice teacher (who I admire as if she were Yoda himself) said that I’m being ridiculous and that the best way to overcome my problem is to let it be known that I’m a singer, and that I want to sing. I’m not trying to become wildly famous. It was never my goal to be a star, but it was also never my goal to spend my life privately despising myself because I want to sing and I’m too afraid to take those initial (and uncomfortable) steps necessary to overcome my fear. So there you are and believe it or not, my hand are shaking as I write this because I’m afraid someone will decide to take me up on this request. But I am pretty sure I’m more afraid that no one will. It’s very late and I’m tired, so I hope you’ll all forgive the drama, instead of rolling your eyes and humming Angel sarcastically under your breath. Good night