Braaaiiins

If there was an oscar category for “most popular horror movies monster”, these guys would probably win. If they aren’t starring in a legitimately terrifying film like 28 days later (which, for MONTHS had me too scared to even take out the trash after dark) they’re playing the antagonist in some mock horror movie or disgusting video game. They’re zombies and what many people don’t realize is that unlike many other monsters, zombies actually exist.

In April of 2005 the “BBC” released an article about a new strain of malaria discovered in a small town in Cambodia. The really interesting qualities of this strain was that it not only had a 100% mortality rate, but it also had the disturbing ability to restart the victims heart a couple of hours after death. Because of the brain damage resulting from their hour or two of not breathing, the undead were reported to be extremely violent.

This is not an example of real life zombies, it’s an April fools joke. I just came across it while researching and thought it was funny. Real zombies are created, and primarily exist, in Haiti. And amazingly enough, information about them can be both esoteric and sort of boring. So I’ll try to stick to the cool stuff.

There is quite a lot of evidence to suggest that there are people in Haiti that can, and do make and keep zombie slaves. In fact, in 1835 the Haitian Penal Code added an article that “classifies the administration of a substance that creates a prolonged period of lethargy without causing death as attempted murder. If the substance causes the appearance of death and results in the burial of the victim, the act is classified as murder.” (http://science.howstuffworks.com/zombie.htm) in attempt to end zombification. Notice this appearance of death. Zombies are not actually the undead, but rather living people who have been given a certain mix of chemicals that slow down the heartbeat and breathing of the victim to the point that it’s almost undetectable. Haitian village doctors don’t have a lot of fancy scientific tools to detect life, so the victim is quickly declared dead and because the humidity of Haiti causes rapid decomposition, burial takes place very shortly after. It’s believed that the victim is completely conscious though all of this. A little while later the victim is dug up and given another kind of poison that ends the paralysis but places them under the control of the poisoner, usually a houngan (voodoo priest). Of course, this is only if it’s done right. There is no “granny’s old-fashioned zombie brew” written on a recipe card somewhere and even if a houngan has a vague idea of how to do it exact measurements are never used. Because of this many powders either don’t do anything or cause immediate death.

What many researchers don’t understand is why anyone wants to create zombie slaves in a country so impoverished that labor costs next to nothing. According to Wade Davis, who spent years researching zombification in Haiti, making zombies is most often done as revenge against an enemy or used as a means of political control. He also says it’s the Haitian culture and government that makes the powder work the way it does. The main ingredient in the zombie mix is a psycho-active drug taken from the puffer fish. Davis believes that this psycho-active drug will affect people the way they believe it will affect them, and the people of Haiti believe that it will put them under the control of the people who gave it to them. Many people hate this theory, but I think it makes sense. Why wouldn’t a psycho-active drug, which affects your mind, do to your mind what your mind thought it was going to do to it? But what is especially awesome about this theory, is that OUR culture has no history of believing this drug will enslave us. Which might mean that we can finally breath easy, take those boards off our windows and doors, put away the hand grenades and bask in the relief of knowing that we will never have to worry about becoming a part of any sort of undead army.

But just in case you’d like to try your hand at commanding an army of your own:

Granny’s Old-fashioned Zombie Brew (a variation from http://rexlcamino.blogspot.com/2006/10/how-to-build-your-own-bona-fide-real.html)

1 puffer fish
1 marine toad
1 hyla tree frog
sprinkle of human remains (optional)
handful of Zombie cucumber’s (otherwise known as jimson weed)
dash of salt

Mix the first four ingredients into a fine powder. No one on the internet seems very clear on how to do this so I’d just consult your local witch doctor for suggestions. Next have some fun and get creative as you try to figure out how to sneak your zombie powder into your victim’s (or victims’) food, beverage, community water source, etc.. Don’t forget that this is poison! It’s not a good idea to just dump the stuff willy nilly. Remember the teachings of the Buddha “between extremes the balanced path is established” and now please forget that I used the teachings of Buddha as an example for how to correctly poison people.

Ok, so assuming you’ve done this correctly, your victim has now been buried alive. What are you waiting for? Go dig them up before they suffocate and all your hard work is wasted! Not to mention that expensive puffer fish poison that maxed out your credit card and the black market tree frog you had to pick up down that dark alley in the sketchy part of town. Understandably your new slave is going to be a little out of it and, well, dull, don’t let it get you down. They’ll perk up after you give them their Zombie cucumbers. The cucumbers will also ensure that they remain your unquestionable slave for as long as you want to have them around. When you’ve finally grown tired of your zombie, or when your “undead army” has successfully managed to take over the world and you are now emperor of Earth, how about showing your appreciation and cooking them a nice, big meal topped lots of gourmet sea salt. Not only will the salt end their servitude and allow them to remember who they are, but once they fully awaken and see the wonderful meal you prepared just for them, they might be less likely to want to break every bone in your body.

Still, you might want to consider entering the witness protection program to avoid retaliation. Or next thing you know, you could find yourself being dug up and force fed unsalted cucumber. And everyone knows unsalted cucumbers are the worst.

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