People who are not shy, and never have been, don’t seem to understand the affliction. I get the impression that many people blessed with a naturally outgoing personality think shy people are choosing to remain silent or making a choice to remain outside the group or deciding they’d rather not make any new friends. Of course there are many people for whom this is all true, but this is not because they are shy. Speaking as one who has been shy my entire life, I can attest to the fact that we the shy are not silent because we want to be, we are silent because usually we cannot think of a single thing to say. We don’t casually squeeze out way into groups of people talking because we can’t think of a single way to do so without looking awkward or worse, creepy. Usually those first two reasons are enough to ensure that we rarely are able to make new friends.
Because I’ve spent my whole life as the “quiet, shy girl with the long dark hair who sits in the corner of the classroom” and I realize that this has doubtlessly resulted in many lost opportunities, I’ve recently decided to take some offensive action against this burden of mine. So I’ve been offering my services as a volunteer whenever I see the opportunity.
Last night I had my first volunteer experience at 9:20 Special, the swing dance organization where Ben and I take classes. Like any shy person, I spent the whole day anxious about it, imagining myself standing behind the desk not knowing what to do, while all the other volunteers seamlessly work, converse, joke around, and pretend I’m not there. I’m happy to report that the actually experience couldn’t have been more different.
From the moment I showed up for my desk shift, I was being shown the ropes, and dozens of people were filing through the doors and marching up the stairs to buy tickets to the dance. I barely had enough time to think let alone worry about making conversation with anyone. However, once things calmed down and the woman who helps run the organization returned from an emergency clean-up on the dance floor, things had slowed down and some close friends of 9:20 had come to converse around the ticket desk. I was quietly easing into my role as background furniture when something began to happen that changed my perspective and made truly grateful to be a part of this wonderful organization.
There are many subtle, often unintentional ways the shy get sabotaged in public situations. Some people are so anxious that asking too many questions will keep them from being able to formulate any coherent sentences. As anyone can imagine, shutting a shy person out of a circle will usually ensure they won’t bother trying to join one again. And failing to make eye-contact, or even acknowledge the presence of a shy person when you are speaking to a group, will in many cases render them as “invisible” as you are implying they are.
On the contrary, do the opposite of this: ask a few, light easy questions; open up the circle to acknowledge and include someone; and make great eye contact even if you’re conversation doesn’t apply directly to them, and you could make a someone’s entire night. Had someone at 9:20 done just one of these things I would have felt grateful and comfortable. Instead, everyone at that table did all of them! People talked and I was included! People showed wedding invitations (two of the instructors just got engaged), they showed me too! People asked my name and verified the pronunciation! People were acknowledging that I was there and worth including in the conversation! It was completely amazing!
Ok, I think this post might now be verging dangerously close to the pathetic, so let me explain that I realize I do a lot of this to myself. Being shy in Middle School was so excruciating that I somehow managed to create a coping mechanism that, while it obviously doesn’t actually make me invisible, it makes me almost completely noticeable. I’ve watched people get kicked out of prohibited places while I’ve been standing right there next to them, in a bright red shirt, in broad daylight, unnoticed and chastised. I’m pretty lucky my husband even saw me let alone asked me out. On the bright side, I’m pretty good at hide’n’seek! In any case, if this post sounds whiny and extreme, I don’t mean it to. I rarely think anyone is ignoring me on purpose which is why I’ve started changing my behavior to make myself more visible. Still, it’s a long, tedious process changing a habit you’ve spent years perfecting. Additionally, it’s painful to be ignored, even if you know it’s unintentional, so experiencing such a warm, friendly environment in which I was welcome as a real human being complete with personality was a wonderfully validating experience.
I suppose this entry is mostly about how grateful I am for kindness of the awesome people at 9:20 Special, but more than that I am grateful for all people who behave in a way that makes everyone feel welcome and included.