Yesterday was full of stress, sadness, and fear. The fact of the matter is that almost everything in my life, and the life of those I love, is up in the air right now. While the view from up here is lovely, full of excitement and possibility, how can I enjoy the view without also recognizing that, with the slightest of breezes, my entire future could go crashing to the ground, leaving me with a devastating mess to somehow arrange into a functional life? Most of the time I successfully convince myself that imagining this happening is almost as bad as wishing it would, and I can spend another day breathing, hoping, praying and trusting that everything will work out (hopefully sooner rather than later for our finance’s sake). But yesterday this didn’t work. Email after email the bad news poured in, and after maneuvering through a tearful phone call from a kind person struggling to do good in an often selfish world, I wanted nothing more than to run out to the beach and bury myself in the sand for good.
How do you rid yourself of legitimate stress? This was the major topic of conversation while my friend and I worked out at the gym today. We hoped the exercise would cure the symptoms, but it is not an answer to the question. Even after cardio and weight lifting has eliminated the nervous energy, the concern remains.
It wasn’t until I ran out of energy and gave up trying to solve the problem that it happened. I was standing in front of a sink stuffed with dirty dishes, trying to make some little improvement to my neglected house, when wiser, stronger, quieter, calmer Lela was finally given the opportunity to poke her head out through the tangled mess of active consciousness and whisper to me that everything will be ok.
I have recognized and struggled my whole life with my need to be prepared for any possible scenario, fix all problems (ideally before they happen), and be in complete control of my future. Seeing as none of this is possible, my frantic scrambling to achieve success has had huge effects on my health and happiness. After years of working on this problem, I’ve mostly come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to do these things. It’s even occurred to me that perhaps it is this unpredictability and lack of control that makes life worthwhile. However, like so many things in life, it’s an ongoing process, riddled with success, failure, distraction, questions, and uncertainty. And unexpectedly, I’ve found that the person who most often helps me stay on the correct path and make the best decision is myself.
To be more accurate, it’s that quiet little voice inside my mind that only comments when the stupid, bumbling, rest-of-my-brain decides to take a coffee break. Or, now that I think about it, I suppose the voice could be talking more often, but my self-centered consciousness usually drowns it out. In any case, I only hear that wise, surprisingly mature part of myself “speak” when I let go of the stress, planning, distractions, and chatter that usually clutters up my mind. The rub is, this roar of “everyday” thinking gets especially loud when I need that little voice the most- when things are not going well, when I am worried, scared, sad, or depressed, and need guidance.
I know that many people use meditation to dial up that voice for a quick chat. I have never learned to meditate. I wish I could, but so far I don’t have the discipline to force myself to practice. However, over the years I have learned that tedious, mindless tasks can be used for exactly that purpose- mindlessness. There’s nothing like a little bit of grocery shopping, dish washing, clothes folding or shelf dusting to put my mind to sleep for a few hours. And once the mind’s asleep, that little voice can stretch, look around, reflect, and offer me the words of wisdom that I needed to hear. This doesn’t mean I get a lot of direct answer from this voice. How helpful are “answers” when taken out of the context of school and work? Like so many wise people we meet throughout our lives, this internal voice usually offers observations that I will realized I already knew, but didn’t truly understand before. I always return from our conversations feeling uplifted, confident, loved, deeply grateful. In those moments I know I am part of something larger than myself.
Today I was scrubbing a pot caked with burned stew, and suddenly I heard “Lela, this is your life right now. This is not your life forever. Your life, like all lives, will be filled with moments of all kinds: joy, pain, frustration, peace, resolution, confusion, fear, love. Some will be of your choosing, and some will be out of your control. Keep this in mind before allowing one moment, in a life that will be full of moment, destroy your hope, your trust, and your perspective.” It might sound silly that I found this helpful, but think about it, how often do we forget that where we are right now is not where we will always be, especially when things are bad? Taking care of present business is important, allow it to cloud your entire vision of your life is unwise. And to think I wouldn’t have had any of that valuable insight had I not finally decided it was time to tackle my messy house!
Thank you, dirty dishes. Apparently you can bring as much order and peace to my life as when you’re clean.