It’s now been over a year since I’ve had a job. It wasn’t a thrilling job, nor was it in a field I enjoy, but the loss had a huge detrimental impact on my self esteem. Part of this might be due to the fact that I still don’t understand why I was fired, but I think a bigger part might be cultural. My self-image is tied up in my ability to earn a paycheck, and not earning one makes me feel like a disappointment and waste of resources. Never mind that I’m 33 weeks pregnant. Never mind that I’m happily married and my husband makes enough to support our household. Never mind that I have lots of free time to explore new hobbies and interests. The fact that I’m not earning a paycheck keeps me up several nights a month. It rears it’s ugly head on a semi-weekly basis, turning whole days into lethargic, tear-ridden pity-parties. I have no defense against these moments of gloom. I can remind myself that I spend time volunteering for organizations and causes I care about, but it doesn’t seem to mitigate the fact that I don’t make money. I’m completely baffled by my mind’s insistence that the only way to be valuable is to do something that has quantitative value; that the only way I know my worth is to look at my earning power. Where did I get this idea?! How do I change it?! What can I do to keep myself from falling prey to those panicked moments when I realize that the longer I remain jobless, the harder it will be to find a job?
Reading what I’ve just written makes me realize that these feelings are just another manifestation of my constant dissatisfaction with wherever I am and whatever I’m doing there. Like all those other times in my life, it makes me feel like the best thing for me to be doing is sitting with this discomfort and welcoming it in, as an old friend. “Ok, I understand you are unhappy. Let’s sit together and reflect on why you are unhappy and what it is you want.” But like every craving I’ve had during this pregnancy, all this feeling does is chant “You’re lacking something. You’re lacking something. You’re lacking something.” Without offering any insight as to what the “something” might be. For now I’ll trust that when the time is right, the answer will present itself, and in the meantime, I’ll continue to explore, and trust, and calmly work through the days of depression, and look forward to the arrival of my son.